Parable of the Knee, Glimpse #8

The appointment for my second opinion was an exciting event. Curt came with me to make sure I said everything I needed to say and understood everything I was told. Dr. Ouelette listened while I explained the original injury and the following months. I did my best to relay the details of what had taken place with the first orthopedist without denigrating his opinion. It wasn't easy.

Then Dr. O took over with his examination. He poked and prodded both of my legs in a variety of positions. In the final evaluation he took hold of my hands and had me do a deep knee bend on my right leg. While all my weight was on my involved knee he moved left to right in an arc in front of me. I was fully expecting to collapse in pain, but nothing happened. I was amazed!

Then we sat down to talk and Dr. O let me know right away that there wasn’t anything wrong with my meniscus. He pointed out that the original diagnosis was a “bruised meniscus” and stated that he didn’t even know what that was. He’d never heard of it. As Dr. O went through the ideas he had, he suggested we take another set of x-rays so he could check out the bone. The earlier set was not available to us. The office staff was kind and efficient as they undertook this last minute process.

After Dr. O studied the x-rays he pointed out a small dark spot on the top of the lower leg bone, on the inside edge. It corresponded exactly with the area where I kept having topical discomfort. He said that it showed a cyst in that area and suggested that I had bruised the cyst when I fell. Then, as time went on, it would go through phases of healing and re-injury. Hah, who’d ever heard of a cyst on a bone before? I sure hadn’t. However, the diagnosis fit with everything I’d been experiencing. It all made sense and I was elated.

Of course, now I needed to know what, if anything, could be done about it. My first thought was to just go in and take it out surgically. But Dr. O was much more conservative. He talked about the cyst having been there for a long time without pain. He suggested that I continue with the exercises since I was making progress. He felt that giving the area another three months to return to an asymptomatic state was reasonable given the normal healing time for a bone cyst. To tell the truth, he also talked about the whole situation being part of the development of arthritis. I can’t imagine how he could have been off about that one part. I'm sure I'm not old enough to have any arthritic symptoms. ;-)

As Curt and I walked out of the office I couldn’t help but think about the major difference a perspective can make. I’d thought I was a hopeless cripple, but now I had a specific situation to overcome. As a sinner I can view myself as a hopeless cripple, but it is a saint (sinner saved by grace) I have a situation I can overcome. When I sin I can come to God and ask forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 proclaims the truth that “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

There was another aspect of this appointment that brought me full-circle. An “expert” told me what was wrong with my knee, but I was the one experiencing the problem. When his explanation didn’t fit the situation and things were not improving, I’d gone further to find a resolution. If I’d settled for the first doctor’s opinion, I would have suffered much longer on many levels. Instead, with the new information I have a clearer understanding. I see a brighter future as I am more able to address the problem. I am thankful!

This brings me back to the early stages of this parable. Numbers of people were happy to tell me that the problem with my knee was God telling me I needed to slow down, but I was the one experiencing the problem. Their explanation didn’t fit the situation and certainly wouldn’t have improved what was happening. I had to go further to find a resolution. If I’d settled for their opinion, I would have missed so much on so many levels. Instead, with fresh awareness of the loving touch of my Heavenly Father I have a clearer understanding of His personal interest in my life. I see an amazing future as I am more able to address not only my involved knee, but the plethora of issues that I face, with the many truths He has been revealing to me. I am monumentally thankful to God for teaching me to love and trust him, to follow Him and watch Him work.

What a loving Father we have:

Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:9-11

May you also learn to love and trust, follow and watch with all your heart.

Interruption Glimpse

I've been content lately - not just happy on the surface, content deep down. I suppose there could be any number of reasons for it. After all, the hole in the roof got patched which means the damage to our bedroom ceiling won't get any worse. :-) Then again, maybe that's not the reason because now we have to get a new roof and replace the bedroom ceiling. :-( No matter what positive things happen in my life, there always seem to be a certain amount of negative things to balance them out. Life in this fallen world is like that. This time the Lord showed me the source of my contentment and that's made it all the sweeter and longer-lasting. Hallelujah!

I've been a Christian for a long time, almost 40 years. I've had my share of ups and downs in the spiritual department as well as the various other departments of my life. This "up phase" is centered fully on the Gospel of Jesus Christ - not simply the miracle of His virgin birth; nor the powerful testimony of His life; nor the truth of His substitutionary death, redeeming shed blood, and bodily resurrection; not even His current position as advocate to the Father and future role as judge of the world. These and countless other facts pour from the word of God to flood my brain and sustain my soul. I sit in the presence of my Heavenly Father seeking to know Him better through His reflection in His Son.

John 14:6 tells me that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. The verses that follow help me to understand that by getting to know God the Son, I am also getting to know God the Father. In verse 10 Jesus asks, "Don't you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me?" He goes on to explain that the words He says are not just his own and that the Father is living in Him and doing His work. Hm. Remember Acts 17:28 tells us that we too "live and move and have our being [in God]." The very next verse reminds us that we are "God's offspring" and confirms the truth of Ephesians 3:6 where we are called heirs with Christ. My mind is racing.

Further on in John 14, at verse 11, Jesus repeats, "I am in the Father and the Father is in me." Two distinct persons yet "in" each other. I can neither fully comprehend nor appreciate the impact of the unity and diversity of the Godhead. Nevertheless, from time to time I am given a glimpse such as this that engages every aspect of my senses. Roof? What roof? I've written a few words, but I cannot begin to articulate the amazing awarenesses that are passing through my brain. I'm so wrapped up in the awesomeness of God that rooves, leaky or otherwise, are not even on my radar screen. Unpaid bills, hurtful comments, heavy responsibilities, unfinished projects, . . . no longer weigh on me. They simply fade into the background as I marvel at the infinite God who loves me.

The next step for me will be to try to figure out how to incorporate these truths into my daily life - to make them part of who I am and share them with others. At the moment, this is only a vague hope built on trust in my Father that He reveals these things to me for a purpose. I'm sure you can see how this process will be another episode of losing myself in His presence. :-) When He allows me to make more sense of them I will share with you here. In the meantime I can't help but feel that these glimpses are tiny tastes of heaven where we will live in God's presence, content for all eternity.

The real purpose of this glimpse though is a conversation I had with a dear friend last week. We were sharing about these times of deep contentment when we are swallowed up in who God is. She was having trouble dealing with some struggles and was wishing that she could live every moment in the serenity of the contentment described above. I encouraged her to remember that we live in a fallen world. I did my best to remind her that Jesus Himself struggled when He lived among us. John 11:35 was the one example I could offer at the time. This verse is known as the shortest verse in the Bible, "Jesus wept." I said that Jesus was obviously saddened and upset at the death of Lazarus. Then our conversation got interrupted and we had to say good-bye. My heart wouldn't settle on the topic. I have since done a brief study that I will share with her here. Please feel free to look over my/her shoulder.

My first stop is John 11:35, but I can never read just one verse. Reading through the context I notice that verse 33 says that Jesus was "deeply moved in spirit and troubled." Jesus is faced with the very real consequences of living in a world affected by Genesis 3 sin - death and separation. The Bible says that Jesus was troubled and wept.

In John 13 Jesus is with His disciples at the Passover meal in Jerusalem. He has washed His disciples' feet and encouraged them to do the same for one another. Then Jesus explained that one of the twelve would betray Him. Verse 21 tells us, "Jesus was troubled in spirit."

The word "troubled" isn't used in either the Mark or Luke account of Christ clearing the money changers out of the temple in Jerusalem. Nevertheless, I think it's fair to say that Jesus wasn't peacefully content at that moment. Jesus was affected by and reacting to the sin displayed in the outer courts.

Mark 14:33 tells us that Jesus was "deeply distressed and troubled" as he entered Gethsemane for prayer. Jesus told His disciples, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." As a matter of fact, Jesus was so upset that in verse 36 He called out, "Abba [Daddy], Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me."

Finally, though the word "troubled" isn't used, can there be any doubt about the agony Jesus felt in Matthew 27:46 and Mark 15:34 when He called out to His Father from the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

Thank you, Father, again for the truth and power, grace and peace we find in your Word.

God promises us over and over again that He will never leave us nor forsake us. We never have to face the trials and struggles, hurdles and heartaches of this fallen world alone.

Hebrews 4:15 is full of reassurance for those of us who find ourselves confronted by the difficulties of this life. "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin." Jesus was fully God and fully man. Jesus recognized the sin in our fallen world and He was affected by it just as we are - spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, physically. God tells us that Jesus was deeply moved, distressed and troubled at times. Jesus hurt and wept and cried out to His Father. Hallelujah, Jesus understands what we face!

Yet, Jesus was without sin. That means that realizing, feeling and admitting the impact of the sinfulness around us is not sin. Jesus is our perfect, sinless example so expressing our emotions is not sin. Jesus also did something about it whenever He could, in appropriate ways. The difference is that no matter what was happening, no matter how Jesus felt, no matter what His senses were telling Him, no matter what the cost, Jesus continued to love, trust and submit to the will of God His and our Father. The words recorded in Mark 14:36 as the closing words of Jesus' prayer in Gethsemane are "Yet not what I will, but what you will." Jesus' final act on the cross is expressed in Luke 23:46, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit."

Listen, my Friend. Jesus walked this sinful earth and overcame every temptation. Jesus was perfectly faithful and now sits at God's right hand as our advocate. We are not perfect, but Jesus has made a way for us. Every moment cannot be spent in full contentment in this life. We can look forward to heaven for that joy. In the meantime, let us drink in the encouragement of Hebrews 4:16 and "approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace" so that no matter what the trials are, no matter how they affect us, no matter what our senses tell us, God will enable us to continue to love and trust Him as we submit to His will in obedience and bring glory to His Name. Amen Roof? What roof?

Parable of the Knee, Glimpse #7

The first PT (Physical Therapy) appointment was interesting, to say the least. "Jeff" wanted to know how I'd injured my leg and what difficulties I was experiencing. He did an overall evaluation of my knee, including looking at the MRI films. Then we started the exercises.

To say that it was tough is an understatement. It didn't take me long to figure out that the hardest part of starting PT wasn't doing leg lifts or riding a stationery bicycle. The highest hurdle was relaxing the inhibitors in my brain to allow my bad leg to move.

Oops, Jeff says I'm not supposed to say my "bad" leg. I'm supposed to say my "involved" leg. :-)

Actually, when I arrived for this first PT appointment my upper back was so tight that I was having trouble moving at all. I mentioned it to Jeff and asked if he might be able to give me some pointers about my back at the end of the session. He was non-commital and concentrated on my involved leg :-) for the entire session. Nevertheless, I discovered that as I relaxed my brain and thereby my leg, it didn't take me long to realize that my entire body was relaxing. Evidently as I focused on building up the muscles around my involved knee, the nervous energy or whatever it was that was affecting my back was being drained away. At least whatever was causing the pain in my back was no longer being fed. By the time our hour was over I felt as if I'd been given a whole new body. The tiny seed of hope was beginning to sprout!

Of course nothing in this life worth having comes easily. It was no surprise that Jeff told me I needed to do the various types of exercises throughout the week at home. He told me I needed to be consistent - twice a day, ten times each, leg lifts with ankle weights, the "Jane Fonda" move, leaning back against a ball, etc. It was a lot. I received the instructions with joy and contemplated meeting the goal Jeff set for me with relish. I was absolutely certain that if I just followed his directions I'd be back on my feet in no time.

As a matter of fact after only two days I felt progress. I was able to walk straight and strong and the pain in my back had not returned. I guess my whole body had been reacting to the crooked way I was walking. I was no longer walking in fear and despair. The results were enough to keep my dedication strong. My first return PT visit was an uplifting event. I felt that things were moving along and Jeff complimented me for my faithfulness to the exercise regimen. I hadn't missed a single time. I figured a day would come when I would slide, but for now the rewards came fast and the compliments flowed freely so I kept up the routine.

At various times as I went through my workout, I would laugh at myself and speak to the Lord. Okay, Father, having an injured knee can't really be a slowing down technique. All we've done is add a twice-a-day exercise schedule to my life. I guess the discipline you built into me over the past year with serious weekly deadlines wasn't enough. I thought we made plenty of progress through that writing assignment, but this slow student must need more discipline. Please release me when I've got enough. ;-)

After a few weeks though I hit a wall. No, not a literal, physical wall. I just got to a point where I felt I couldn't go on. I was still being plagued by topical sensitivity and the painful discomfort continued sporadically. There was no rhyme or reason to when it would incapacitate me. Even though I'd been faithful to follow all of Jeff's directions, I wasn't seeing the kind of results I'd expected. During one of my PT sessions I poured out my discouragement to Jeff and could barely hold back the tears. As we moved around the various equipment he did his best to encourage me. The floor exercises were coming along, but I was still using only four pound weights. The time on the stationery bike felt good, but I'd had to give up using the exercise ball. I confessed that my commitment to the exercises was waning, caused mostly by the lack of ongoing improvement.

It was during this interchange that I realized that I'd placed all of my hope for recovery in the program Jeff had laid out for me. I'd figured that if I was perfectly faithful to his directions I would see steady, consistent improvement. That simply wasn't happening. The lack of obvious improvement was deflating my commitment. Faced with the realities of my situation, I had to admit that I'd built my trust on the wrong foundation. It was possible that I could follow Jeff's exercise regimen the rest of my life and never see sufficient improvement. It was a dramatic wake-up call for me.

As Jeff and I reconsidered the situation with my involved leg, neither of us were satisfied with what was happening. He gently suggested that it might be a good idea if I got a second opinion on what was going on with my knee. What we'd been doing, while it had provided some improvement, wasn't accomplishing what we'd hoped. There were still too many symptoms remaining to settle for the knowledge we had up to this point. It was definitely time to seek further assistance. I said yes to getting a second opinion and before I left the building Jeff had arranged an orthopedic appointment for three weeks hence.

Suddenly a whole new world of possibilities opened up to me. Maybe this new doctor would find something specific that he could repair quickly. After all, I'm an American. Don't I have a right to a speedy resolution to any problem? All the shows on TV tie everything up nice and neatly in 60 minutes, unless it's a TV movie and then it might take a little longer. Seriously, a new level of hope did spring up in the light of this new direction. I was looking once again for the light at the end of the tunnel, the sun coming up over the horizon.

The PT program provided by the therapist, although it brought some relief, was an inadequate foundation for my entire prognosis. The Lord had used the PT to show me that I needed more discipline in my life. Thank you, Lord. Now it was time to find out what else He had for me. I began to wonder in how many other situations I had trusted solely in the human dynamic and set aside the spiritual reality. Thank you, Lord, for showing me that I need to build my trust on the proper foundation. I turned to the Lord in my new awareness and asked Him to help me trust Him in every aspect of my life. I asked Him to help me trust Him first and foremost and not just in the spiritual realm.

More importantly, I had again reached the end of myself. I was doing everything I could think of to bring about or at least assist in my own healing, but to no avail. I called out with Jehoshaphat in 2 Chroncles 20:12, "We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you." Thank you, Lord, for showing me that You are the one I need to watch for and follow. The Lord came in and showed me His power and might - but that's for the next installment of this parable.

Interruption Glimpse

It's a little late to be writing an in-depth piece like the one I feel rising up inside me. I'm sitting before the Lord in awe and praise for all He's been doing in my life. I know I'm not capable of articulating it all yet because I don't have a clear picture myself, but I have to take a stab at it while it's still fresh.

It's been a bear of a week. In a way that's expected since I'm preparing for a special event this coming weekend. I'm the point person for our Ladies Retreat, the major event in our annual calendar. The Lord has been laying out some really wonderful things. It's clear that He has a lot He wants to bring to us during this gathering. So, it's no surprise that the annoyer is causing trouble. The truth is that many of my attitudes and actions have not been "particularly pretty." (Those in the know will read that "downright sinful".) The amazing part is that God reached down and enveloped me in His tender hands even though I am so ugly. In spite of the corruption in my life, my Father saw the righteousness of His Holy Son and acted gently toward me out of His perfect love.

At last night's Ladies Bible Study we talked about the beauty of our God - how the unity of the Godhead and the diversity of the Trinity are reflected in His body as He builds it in the midst of this fallen world. We were looking at the 1 Corinthians 12 passage about the oneness of the body and the diversity of its parts. It was marvelous to reflect on the perfect example of interdependence that we see in the persons of our Triune God. The discussion was about Biblical friendships, but as we looked into Scripture on that topic we came to a fuller understanding of the awesomeness of our great Creator. Hallelujah!

I now understand that part of my problem this week was that I couldn't see where I was going. For some reason I wasn't able to develop images for the week or the retreat at the end. This is a major handicap for a visual learner like myself. I didn't realize what was going on at the time. I merely felt as if I were inside a paper bag. Of course, my reaction was to try to fight my way out - Silly Girl!

It was as if I were sitting on the deck on an early fall morning when the mist is still on the lake. The air is so full of moisture that I'm not able to see the scenery on the opposite shore. I've come to accept and even enjoy the early morning mists on Loon Pond, but having my vision veiled as it was earlier this week with so much that had to get done brought me to near panic. I ran in circles bringing myself and my dear, patient husband to near collapse. Thankfully God rescued me. He brought me to the end of myself and to the beginning of Himself.

What I needed to do was to wait for His intervention to move me forward. I needed to consider what the Lord had for me in the time of uncertainty. I needed to take my eyes off myself and put them back on Him. When the time was right He gave me the images I needed to step up the pace and finish the retreat preparations. Today was a calm day filled with enjoyable tying up of projects that I wouldn't have thought possible given the timetable.

Thank you, Father! I haven't messed up this badly in a while. Thank you for your forgiveness so rich and free. Please remind me to come to you right away the next time I sense the veil.

Once again the Lord has given me a glimpse into His goal for my life - to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever - and how to reach it. As I rest/remain in His presence as described in John 15, the trials of this life fade away into the background. As I contemplate His true character, the cares of this world are swallowed up in praise. As I seek His face, the desire to walk in obedience becomes overwhelming and the directions are clear.

Acts 17:27,28a explains, "God did this [carried out His sovereign plan] so that men [Sandra] would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being."

Parable of the Knee, Glimpse #6

Okay, so I missed a week. I was out of town for most of last week and missed my regular blog writing time. That’s okay, this entry is an important one so let’s get back to the saga.

I did my best to adjust to the new view of my life I’d been given by Dr. M. I would walk when I could and hobble when I couldn’t. I put any thoughts of future physical activities on hold, choosing to cope with the present instead. I wasn’t too good at it at first, but acceptance slowly came along. There are things to delight in, even when you don’t like the overall picture.

For example, I’d always wanted to drive one of those electric carts around the warehouse store where we shop. Now I had the perfect excuse to unplug one, sit on the seat and take off. It was a lot of fun driving up and down the aisles, testing my steering ability around corners and the top speed on straightaways. I had so much fun that I didn't even notice if other people were staring at me or not. I don’t think Curt enjoyed the experience quite as much as I did though. Maybe that’s because he had to jump out of the way a few times. :-)

I chose to use my cane regularly in order to speed along my adjustment to my new, more limited lifestyle. I wasn’t ready to use the electric chair at church, but I knew that could be coming soon. While not fully embracing what looked to me like a boring future, I felt I’d come a long way toward living with my permanent disability. At least that’s what I thought until I met Dr. Christine Sullivan, the new GP I found when I was searching for an orthopedist.

I made an appointment to meet Dr. Sullivan and discuss my coming under her care. She was gracious and professional which put me at ease and gave me confidence. She was pleasantly surprised that the only medication that I took regularly was a multi-vitamin. I was pleasantly surprised that she only worked three days a week in order to leave time for her family. My knee injury was the only dissonant point in our interview. Imagine my surprise, when after listening carefully to the details, she asked if I might be interested in receiving some physical therapy. The orthopedic specialist had never even hinted at the idea which had contributed to my feelings of hopelessness.

I’m sure my eyes lit up. Those of you who know me are aware that everything I’m feeling shows on my face. Here was a medical professional suggesting that my condition could be improved. Wow! The possibility shot through my nervous system like a jolt from a taser gun. Nobody was handing me a magic pill or waving a wand over my leg, but just the idea that maybe the picture wasn’t as dark as Dr. M had made it sound was enough to kindle a spark of hope. Of course, my response was a resounding, “Yes.”

I fairly skipped out of the examining room as I made my way to the departure area, if it’s possible to do that with a cane and a hurting knee. Okay, so maybe it was more my imagination than reality. At least my heart was lightly skipping as I made my first PT appointment for the following week. I headed home with a whole new set of thoughts and prayers. Maybe God wasn’t finished with me yet. Maybe the rotten meniscus wasn’t the end of my life as I knew it. Maybe there was a way that my life of service to my King could be redeemed, at least some of it.

My ride home was the total opposite of my ride to the medical center. The future that I’d refused to contemplate came rushing back into my mind. Sure there would be hard times. Everybody knows physical therapy can be really demanding. But for the first time in weeks I had been given a tiny inkling of a suggestion that my life wasn’t completely shut down. With a tiny touch of hope the whole world had opened up for me. Hm, how did that match my spiritual life?

God gently reminded me of the lessons He’d taught me earlier about hope. First, I’ve come to recognize that when I get to the end of my rope a feeling of hopelessness washes over me. “What’s the point?” is often the phrase that comes to mind. When that happens, the Holy Spirit gently reminds me that I am never without hope because Christ, the source of hope, lives in me. Colossians 1:27 I’ve come to understand that when the Holy Spirit "taps on my shoulder", I need to pay close attention. His intervention is enough to turn my thoughts 180 degrees in the right direction.

• I was reminded that the rotten meniscus couldn’t regenerate itself, but that my rotten soul had already been regenerated by Christ Himself. Ephesians 1:7,8
• No matter what my physical condition might be now or in the future, God has clothed me with the righteousness of His Son and has prepared tasks for me to accomplish. Ephesians 2:10
• Regardless of circumstances or feelings or diagnoses, God has a hold of me and will not let me go. Romans 8:38
• The hope that God has given and is developing in my life does not disappoint. Romans 5:1-8
• The truth is that God has a plan for my life with expectations I cannot fathom, but I choose to embrace with all my heart. Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28-30

I pray that you will take the time to read and consider the above Scriptures as you open your heart to the message the Holy Spirit has for you.

May the Hope of all creation bless you as you rest in Him.